Self-improvement is the best distraction of all. Control makes me happy. Results make me even happier.
I hate it when I buy books and find spelling/grammar mistakes in them.
Kind of forgot about this blog. For a while.
Often lately I kind of just feel like packing my bags and leaving. Not out of anger but out of eagerness. Eagerness to see things, see people. Montreal, I’m really tired of it right now. I feel like I’ve seen every little corner, lived every possible experience, met every type of person that there is in Montreal. This city is so bland to me right now. It’s safe, it’s boring. I know lots of people don’t see it that way, but I do.
I’m really obsessed with color. Hot pink, coral, mustard yellow, royal blue, apple green, turquoise, …I think this is great, especially that summer’s (supposedly) here. To me it’s great anyway because usually I’m decked in black all the time.
Another weird obsession that I have is biracial boys… or basically any boy that is not white. Or fully white. A member of the opposite sex that is not like me. There. This works out because they find me just as exotic as I do them. Being Italian can be useful sometimes… Only sometimes.
I’m losing weight, it feels good. I’m living without hurtful people, it feels good. I’m saving money, it feels good. I’m changing. It feels good.
I ain’t askin you for money or to come back to me… some days it ain’t sunny but it ain’t so hard.
Last night was such a rollercoaster ride, emotionally. I so much want him to be the one… the one who will take all my pain away. I so much want him to be the one who will give me a better reason to want to wake up in the morning, the one that I can present to my family, the one I can do nice vacations with, the one, THE ONE… At my age, people shouldn’t play games anymore. I know what I want in my life, I wish it were the same for everybody else.
Loulou went on a date with a sweet Greek man and it went very well. I am genuinely happy for her. But… she has been single for two months, and I have been single for two years, and we have been through the same emotional turmoil, and I am sad that she already has someone new and I do not. This is not her fault, and I do not blame her for it obviously. I am mad at myself mostly. I think I am stopping it from happening. I always automatically blamed it on my weight, as most people do. Loulou never blamed her weight for anything, and she is a bit bigger than me. It was not an excuse for her; I will no longer make it an excuse for me.
“She will and she can find a man who knows her worth.”
I can’t concentrate on anything right now. I feel sick. J’ai mal au coeur. Pourquoi ils ne veulent pas de moi? They don’t want to hold me, hug me, kiss me, nothing… why do you play that game with me? It’s hard tonight.
“It can all fall down around me, just as long as I have you right here by me.”
J’ai hâte de pouvoir entendre ces mots.
Kick, push
Over ya shoulders you swore you’d never look
Cause wasn’t nothing back there, but the blackness
Life wasn’t too attractive
Yeah, uh, that’s why you
Kick, push
Over ya shoulders you swore you’d never look
Cause wasn’t nothing back there, but the blackness
Life wasn’t too attractive.
I’m really excited to see Lupe Fiasco live. :)
I don’t understand how I can be doing so poorly in my Spanish class. I know everything, it’s so easy. I guess I just need to study more. I hate books.
At least it’s sunny outside.
I want to go to Los Angeles.
This morning, when I arrived to work, a very cute & sweet French lady with a French accent wished me a good day while getting off the elevator. I don’t even know who she is. Europe 1, Canada 0. On est vraiment des sauvages, ici. I wished her a good day as well, with a smile of course. Jessica 1, Canada -1.
Last night, during supper, my dad shared with me (for the 3rd time in the past year) his intuition that GP would make the perfect boyfriend/husband for me. He also tried to convince me that I should join some sort of Italian singles association so that I can meet a nice Italian boy. I told him not to worry, that I’m not desperate, and that I’m not attracted to French/Anglo Canadians anyway. I’ve never even been with one. “No no, I know, but still, Jess, you have to mingle with Italians or else you’ll never meet any. It’s not at La Mamba that you’re going to meet good Italians!” By La Mamba, he means Moomba. And I reassured him that yes, I know, it’s not in a club that I will meet my future boyfriend/husband. He said he wants to talk to GP’s father (incidentally, my dad’s best friend since childhood) and tell him that if his son is interested in me, he should make a move. All I could do is cover my face with my hands and scream “Daaaaaaaaaad!” — I’m not excited for future embarassment. I feel like I’m in a modern day version of The Godfather. 
I’m not really a huge country/pop music fan, but I saw the videoclip for this song while getting ready for school this morning, and it made me feel like “Oh my God, this girl wrote a song about my life!”, lol. Well, let’s just replace the name Drew by someone else’s name, and switch the guitar for my laptop. The song itself is not so bad, but the lyrics are what really made me realize that I could relate.
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I was reading old journal entries of mine, and when I mean old, I don’t mean extremely old, I mean last year (!!!!!!!) and it’s absolutely ridiculous how immature I was. Just one year, and I feel like I have changed entirely. Maybe I’ve learned to shut up, which is a little sad but it’s sparing me lots of embarassing moments. My heart still feels the same about those two guys though. But I’ve become more realistic about our relationship. And realistically, I think I can barely call them friends. They still manage to surprise me with sweet phone calls and cute words, but realistically, I have to think nothing of it, because it means just that: nothing.
[edit] I miss saying “my boyfriend”.
Shutting up now.
