It’s absolutely ridiculous, how I can go from zero to sixty with just the smallest amount of male attention.

I don’t even care anymore, I’ll take it from whoever gives it. I’m ruined, I’m done. It’s the only way I can stop thinking about V.

“I will blow your heart to pieces. And I’ll love you if you let me.”

I’ve started reading Twilight a second time. There is something about that book that just makes my heart so happy. If I sat and thought about it long enough, I’d probably figure out what it is that has me so engrossed in this story, but right now, all I can do is revel in the perfect sentences, the perfect characters and their perfect enchanting way of captivating me. Sigh.

My hip hop phase is slowly dying down. I think the upcoming Common concert will probably revive it again, but it might have the adverse effect of simply acting as closure. I’ve moved onto English boys and vampires for now. Oh, and my passion for rock music is resurfacing. It had never really left, but it was buried underneath my willingness to explore new territory. Well I’ve seen the new territory and needless to say, I’m unimpressed. Back to the darkness, where I feel warm, comfortable and numb. Maybe sadness and pain really is my happiness? Hm.

I’m such a freak, wow.

There’s a really cute guy at the security deskof where I work. I’ve noticed him a long time ago, he always looks at me when I pass by. I kind of want to go up to him and say something, but I’m not sure what I’d say to have an excuse to talk to him. I might ask him to call me a cab someday. I better hurry up since I won’t be working here anymore in 3 weeks.

Mom and dad left for Cali this morning. I woke up with the strangest feeling; it was hot and humid, and I was dissatisfied for some reason. Something didn’t feel right. It was probably because I rarely wake up alone in the house. Don’t know.

I almost text messaged him around 1am. But I didn’t. I’m proud. Unfortunately this means that once again the wound closes up, just waiting for someone to re-open it, and possibly pour acid into it. Oh well. Such is life.

Here’s to new beginnings? I could aim for that, I suppose… Where’s the champagne? We need champagne.

We choose to ignore the obvious.

I don’t feel very cool today. I feel kind of lame. I feel like there is a lot that I still don’t know, that I want to know though. I wish I could put myself in someone else’s skin for a day and see what it’s like to walk a mile in their shoes. I want to see what it’s like to live with someone else’s problems, joys, tears, treasures & troubles. I don’t think Design will push me far enough, I think I need to educate myself additionally, externally, more thoroughly.

I have a head disease. It’ll never go away. I’ll never be satisfied with how I look. I’ll never be thin enough, my skin will never be flawless to my taste, my hair will never be as thick or voluminous as I’d want it to be, and my face’s profile will never look delicate. I wish this disease would go away already. I hope I don’t transmit it to my daughter. I hope my daughter will love herself 20 times more than I’ve ever loved myself.

It’s over, I’m leaving.

I think I would enjoy studying at NYU.

Nothing makes me happier than kicking it in the sunshine by the pool while listening to my much-loved all-time favorites from Common, Kanye, N.E.R.D. and Lupe. Seriously. I could do that for days, months, years. The sun is doing me good. Today it is raining a lot though, and my system is all out of whack. I don’t think anyone can be controlled by the weather as much as I am. Kind of annoying.

“Hancock” was amazing. It reminded me so much of him. Black + white. They look the same, too. Sigh. It’s one of those movies I wish we could’ve seen together.

A little over one month left until I am finally free from this dull (and exhausting) routine. Life is going to change, and I am so excited for it. I want to go to Chicago really bad. Actually I just want to go away. Probably won’t happen until next summer, but a girl can dream. And hope. And wait.

I suck at waiting.

When the lights are on outside
Could you find somewhere to hide
Cause I just don’t want to say goodbye
Cause you are my baby baby

…except if you’re going to an outdoors shopping mall called Quartier Dix-30.

I have a weird obsession with culture. Ethnicity, music, fashion… there are cultures which revolve around those specific topics. I’m so fascinated by them. I want to be part of them all. I want to have a piece. The asians and the african americans are who interest me the most; the hip hop, the scene, the skating and the surfing are what I wish I could be part of; the glamour and the money of haute couture are what I wish I could own. This isn’t being explained well. I don’t know how to put it into words. I’m not searching for myself because I very well know who I am, but the person that I am is too vast to be described. I’m spread out all over the place, which is cool but confusing and a little bit demanding at times. I wouldn’t have it any other way. All I know is that every minute of every day, my heart expands and starts enjoying something new, every year I find myself being someone different than I was the previous. Some things are for sure, some things won’t change. Or I think they won’t change, at least. I don’t want them to change, I want them to happen. I want to bring into this world kids who are different, both physically and intellectually, emotionally. My kids will be cultured, they’ll be fun and funny and loving. Sure, they might have identity crises, I’ve had them, we’ve all had them. I want them to be able to look at mom and dad, and see two different people who are headstrong, intelligent, talented and all around smart. Two people who are from different backgrounds both ethnically and in life. I want my kids to have the examples of two different worlds uniting together, making new life and creating a hybrid world of their own. I like this. It may sound pushed or far-fetched, but it isn’t. People do it all the time. Interracial kids are so fascinating, you can’t deny that. It’s even more fascinating that most times, both parents got their own story to tell, they’ve each come their own way, and it’s refreshing, it’s different, it’s cool. I’m not idolizing anyone or looking up to anybody. I am different, my husband will be different, our kids will be different. That’s just how it goes for me. My blood has never and will never be a sheep’s blood; my blood runs from unique beings, two people who are unlike anyone else I know, and they’ve done magic by making my brother and I just as unique in our own way as they are in theirs. I wanna keep making that unique blood flow, I plan on it happening, I plan on it creating good little people who will grow into amazing human people, heartfelt people, people who care and persevere and love and laugh and cherish and give and strive for more all the time. Beautiful people. I know they’ll be beautiful, I can see it already.

I’m excited for this day to come. I’m excited every day that I wake up, because I don’t know if that will be the day that someone will revolutionize my life, make me think “Wow, this guy… wow.”

I know what I want. I’m just not entirely sure how I will get it, yet.

Go ahead, you know you want it.

If I could, I’d just go touring the world with skater boys and surfer boys, the occasional cool chicks tagging along with us, good music blasting all the time, doing yoga in the morning, surfing in the afternoon and skating on weekends. Night time, we’d all go out with the hipsters and the beautiful people. The beach, the sun, the love would be our life. The only girls I’d want with me are MFN, JB and MM. Paris, Tokyo, NYC, Cali, London, Oz, Hawaii. I want to see it all. I want to meet Lupe, and tell him how he’s managed to add to my periphery a whole other lifestyle. And that his music makes me happy, the kind of happy I don’t think I’ve ever known. It doesn’t involve people, or substances; it just makes me feel good, which is some kind of wonderful. I’d make money off of tee designs and concert/show posters, magazine layouts and the occasional web site. That’d give me lots of doe. I’d take the coolest shots of my scrumptiously talented surf&skate buddies, and my girls & I would soak it all up, be glam, be healthy, be happy, be free of any sort of restriction or rule. We’d be tanned as hell, too. I just can’t picture life being anything better than that. Travelling the world with hot dudes, my favorite friends, and the best music ever.

It could happen.