My Time Is Now

There’s a really cute guy at the security deskof where I work. I’ve noticed him a long time ago, he always looks at me when I pass by. I kind of want to go up to him and say something, but I’m not sure what I’d say to have an excuse to talk to him. I might ask him to call me a cab someday. I better hurry up since I won’t be working here anymore in 3 weeks.

Mom and dad left for Cali this morning. I woke up with the strangest feeling; it was hot and humid, and I was dissatisfied for some reason. Something didn’t feel right. It was probably because I rarely wake up alone in the house. Don’t know.

Before You Know It You’re Frozen

I almost text messaged him around 1am. But I didn’t. I’m proud. Unfortunately this means that once again the wound closes up, just waiting for someone to re-open it, and possibly pour acid into it. Oh well. Such is life.

Here’s to new beginnings? I could aim for that, I suppose… Where’s the champagne? We need champagne.

Nothing Really Matters…

Nothing makes me happier than kicking it in the sunshine by the pool while listening to my much-loved all-time favorites from Common, Kanye, N.E.R.D. and Lupe. Seriously. I could do that for days, months, years. The sun is doing me good. Today it is raining a lot though, and my system is all out of whack. I don’t think anyone can be controlled by the weather as much as I am. Kind of annoying.

“Hancock” was amazing. It reminded me so much of him. Black + white. They look the same, too. Sigh. It’s one of those movies I wish we could’ve seen together.

A little over one month left until I am finally free from this dull (and exhausting) routine. Life is going to change, and I am so excited for it. I want to go to Chicago really bad. Actually I just want to go away. Probably won’t happen until next summer, but a girl can dream. And hope. And wait.

I suck at waiting.

When the lights are on outside
Could you find somewhere to hide
Cause I just don’t want to say goodbye
Cause you are my baby baby

Who Am I?

Moving Along

Self-improvement is the best distraction of all. Control makes me happy. Results make me even happier.

I hate it when I buy books and find spelling/grammar mistakes in them.

I’m a star, how could I not shine?

Kind of forgot about this blog. For a while.

Often lately I kind of just feel like packing my bags and leaving. Not out of anger but out of eagerness. Eagerness to see things, see people. Montreal, I’m really tired of it right now. I feel like I’ve seen every little corner, lived every possible experience, met every type of person that there is in Montreal. This city is so bland to me right now. It’s safe, it’s boring. I know lots of people don’t see it that way, but I do.

I’m really obsessed with color. Hot pink, coral, mustard yellow, royal blue, apple green, turquoise, …I think this is great, especially that summer’s (supposedly) here. To me it’s great anyway because usually I’m decked in black all the time.

Another weird obsession that I have is biracial boys… or basically any boy that is not white. Or fully white. A member of the opposite sex that is not like me. There. This works out because they find me just as exotic as I do them. Being Italian can be useful sometimes… Only sometimes.

I’m losing weight, it feels good. I’m living without hurtful people, it feels good. I’m saving money, it feels good. I’m changing. It feels good.

I ain’t askin you for money or to come back to me… some days it ain’t sunny but it ain’t so hard.

Sigh.

I don’t understand how I can be doing so poorly in my Spanish class. I know everything, it’s so easy. I guess I just need to study more. I hate books.

At least it’s sunny outside.
I want to go to Los Angeles.

Discover you

I don’t wanna be here anymore. What’s so hard to understand about that? 2 weeks, I gotta stick it out for 2 weeks. I am gonna feel the biggest relief when this is all over. I’m gonna be very happy when I can finally do whatever the heck I want to. I’ll go to bed at 5am and wake up at 5pm if I feel like it. I’ll drink and get completely trashed more than once a week, if I really really want to. I can’t wait. I’ll hang out with all of my friends, I’ll go see JT in concert, I’ll see great things in NYC, and I’ll tan under the sun every single day (hopefully).  Nothing, NOTHING, could make me happier than just having that freedom. I need to sleep, I need to have fun and have no limits. I need to get the fuck outside of these 4 grey walls and SEE people and EXPERIENCE things. I’m so fucking tired of being in t his goddamn office since April! It’s a great job, a great opportunity. But spending a whole summer locked up inside this place is less than a thrill. I finished school on a Thursday, had the weekend to celebrate my birthday, and then started working here on Monday. And I’ve been here ever since. Day in, day out. I’m just in shock. Not even one week to relax and take in the summer. MOTHERFUCK.

And right now, honestly, I just need a hug. I need to be cuddled and kissed and loved. I’m so fed up of everything. So many people have disappointed me this summer, I just don’t even feel like giving any of myself anymore. I’m so tired of this superficial need that everyone has. I’m so sick of the boy/girl dynamic that is stinking the streets. I’m so fucking TIRED of having to be so fake and nice all the time. I just wanna be real and have love. Some people are so terrible. And there are others, that I don’t even understand. I do not comprehend their actions, I do not comprehend their thoughts. It all doesn’t make sense to me. And they don’t feel like explaining it either, they say that nothing is wrong. So fine, be that way, watch me walk away, you fucking idiot! Silence is golden, I’ve learned so much in the past few months. Actions speak tons louder than words.

I wanna be home right now, at the least. I’m so tired of being here. Ideally I’d be on a beach somewhere at this moment. But no. I’m here. In an office. Lovely. Shoot me please.