Too Much Pressure

Why is there so much pressure in our society? Maybe it’s in MY society, I don’t know, man. I just feel like there’s this expectation from everyone around me, for me to be this great ideal of a girl. The worst part is that I want this ideal to become reality too! I’m not complaining that it’s unfair and that I should be different, I actually want to be as good as they expect me to be. It just bothers me that I am not.

I should be thinner, and more fit, and I should have a boyfriend, and I should know how to take care of everything. I should call my grandparents every week, and I should buy gifts to everyone on every single occasion. I should save my money instead of spending it on selfish purchases. I should be affirmative and confident. I should clean the house every Saturday morning and I should work out on a regular, timed basis.

I’m none of those things, and it bothers me! It bothers me so much, because I want to be them! I don’t know why I am stopping myself, or something. I’m just lazy. Laziness takes over. All I seem to concentrate on is having as much fun and joy in my life at that moment, I hardly ever plan ahead. I have this overwhelming fear that if I don’t take advantage of a situation in that moment, it will be lost and I will never have a chance at living it again later on. I’m so scared that I will die young. I don’t know why. Everything I do, I try to take as much advantage out of it as I possibly can. I don’t even know if what I’m writing right now makes any sense at all.

URGH.

Grumble grumble.

Wow. I am so not being productive today.

This morning I was thinking of just calling in sick at work, and staying in bed. But then I figured, I’m at least gonna take a shower and see if I feel better. No. I got out of the shower feeling dizzy and nauseous. Then I thought, ok well I’ll at least dry my hair, maybe that will distract me and make me feel better. And it did. And then I got dressed, and had breakfast, and forgot all about feeling like crap. But then I got into the car, and realized it was rainy and gray outside, and cold. It really doesn’t feel like it’s July 20. It feels like it’s September 20. The weather is horrible over here. My dad keeps saying “We’re in London!” because of the constant rain and cool air. I keep remembering that we’re in Canada thanks to the intense humidity that I can never seem to escape. Gosh, it makes me feel like dying, that fucking humidity. I hate it so much.

When I got to work I just felt like going back to bed, and the nausea returned. After an hour and a half of not doing anything, I decided I needed some sugar, or at least something to wake me up without making me feel more nauseous. Exit the coffee, enter the vanilla latté. There were no more croissants downstairs, so I settled for a low-fat muffin with dried fruit in it. It was deeelish!

And now, here I am. Not in the mood to do anything at all. That’s how it’s been all week. I’m really feeling down when I’m here, I wish it wasn’t like that. What the heck is wrong with moi. *sigh*

Hey this is pretty cool: today is 20-07-2007. Mahaha…