Never Again

Yup yup yup.

No More Dreaming Of The Dead

I swear to God, I have the weirdest, most disturbing dreams. It’s so exhausting, I don’t sleep well because of them, and then I have to go through my day with those odd visions in my mind. It’s enough to make a girl cry, honestly!

I Change Shapes Just To Hide In This Place

I’m still trying to make my mind up.

P#1 is probably not the right one. I know this because when I don’t look at him while he is talking, nothing happens, I don’t feel a thing. But when I turn around and look up at his face, his smile, his arms, his height, his pierced ears, the edge of his tattoos peeking through his t-shirt sleeve… I can’t help myself. “*HUG* Message me this week. Don’t wait for the weekend. Sleep well!” /melt

P#2 is probably the right one. I’m beyond excited to see him again. Because with him, it’s easy, and it’s funny, and I don’t even have to try. And he’s doing everything right. Dinner on Wednesday and it looks like he’s just as happy about it as I am. So nice, for a change.

Well, I have nothing to decide for now, but it’s fun to be the object of not only one but two men’s affections. How long can I keep this up? Meh, who needs to think about it.

Never Around

Rainy day again. Rainy MONDAY. And cold. Sweater weather. I like everything but the Monday part.

I want to sleep. Or read a book in my flannel pj’s in bed. Mmmmm. Weekend, come back!

There are odd tensions going around in the office. I’m in a bad mood today. Feel like being left alone, y’know?

Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

Rainy day, and that’s more than OK with me.

I got to work way too early for my liking, and I was exhausted, so after buying my coffee at Tim Hortons I drove to a secluded area of the parking lot, reclined my chair, and slept for 30 minutes. It felt incredible. The noise of the rain pouring on the car was comforting.

Last night was refreshingly amusing. P doesn’t give me butterflies (yet?), but he makes me smile a whole bunch. It’s nice to be chased after, not gonna lie.

Fine Again

Today, I woke up and realized that I really like my life.

It’s not perfect, but I really like it.

I Watch The Stars As They Fall From The Sky

A lot of things. On my mind. I never really have time to think anymore, or energy to write.

I do things mostly for myself these days. I don’t depend on anybody else, because I figured it’s just pointless. Others really do not need me. I’ve become a time-killer, a filler of empty space in other people’s schedules. They call me when they want to do something with someone but don’t know who to do it with. They call me when their boyfriends aren’t around. Actually only 3 of my friends do this, ironically it is the 3 friends that I am interested in the most. Am I being selfish? I don’t even know anymore. I know I’ve done nothing wrong, I know very well that these people are just completely careless and I can’t do anything to help it. I just wish it wasn’t so.

I don’t like feeling like I can be easily replaced.

What else do I dislike… oh yes, running out of time. I am always rushing. Everything is always being done at the last minute. Everything is never done the way I wish it would be. I never have enough time. For anything.

It’s hard to step away from comfort. The years go by and it gets more difficult to leave my comfort zone. My music, my space, my movies, my books… all things I hold on to for dear life. I could never let them go. It’s similar with people, only not as strong because they haven’t mattered to me for as long as my other comforts have. I feel safe and warm and almost sedated when I have my comforts. I’ll have to make a list of them soon.

Finally… I’m realizing that I am changing. I change all the time, nothing new there… but physically I am changing again, and I’m adjusting. Losing weight is making me feel mixed emotions. I feel like I can conquer the world now. And it makes me mad that I didn’t feel this way before. It’s just 15 lbs, I’m not sure why it makes a difference in how I see myself and the world around me. Still, it’s difficult to be satisfied. It’s difficult to realize that I have actually changed & that I will keep changing. I’m getting greedy.

Despite it all, I just wanna be alone. Do my thing, alone.

Random Acts of Kindness

This morning, when I arrived to work, a very cute & sweet French lady with a French accent wished me a good day while getting off the elevator. I don’t even know who she is. Europe 1, Canada 0. On est vraiment des sauvages, ici. I wished her a good day as well, with a smile of course. Jessica 1, Canada -1.

Last night, during supper, my dad shared with me (for the 3rd time in the past year) his intuition that GP would make the perfect boyfriend/husband for me. He also tried to convince me that I should join some sort of Italian singles association so that I can meet a nice Italian boy. I told him not to worry, that I’m not desperate, and that I’m not attracted to French/Anglo Canadians anyway. I’ve never even been with one. “No no, I know, but still, Jess, you have to mingle with Italians or else you’ll never meet any. It’s not at La Mamba that you’re going to meet good Italians!” By La Mamba, he means Moomba. And I reassured him that yes, I know, it’s not in a club that I will meet my future boyfriend/husband. He said he wants to talk to GP’s father (incidentally, my dad’s best friend since childhood) and tell him that if his son is interested in me, he should make a move. All I could do is cover my face with my hands and scream “Daaaaaaaaaad!” — I’m not excited for future embarassment. I feel like I’m in a modern day version of The Godfather.

Grumble grumble.

Wow. I am so not being productive today.

This morning I was thinking of just calling in sick at work, and staying in bed. But then I figured, I’m at least gonna take a shower and see if I feel better. No. I got out of the shower feeling dizzy and nauseous. Then I thought, ok well I’ll at least dry my hair, maybe that will distract me and make me feel better. And it did. And then I got dressed, and had breakfast, and forgot all about feeling like crap. But then I got into the car, and realized it was rainy and gray outside, and cold. It really doesn’t feel like it’s July 20. It feels like it’s September 20. The weather is horrible over here. My dad keeps saying “We’re in London!” because of the constant rain and cool air. I keep remembering that we’re in Canada thanks to the intense humidity that I can never seem to escape. Gosh, it makes me feel like dying, that fucking humidity. I hate it so much.

When I got to work I just felt like going back to bed, and the nausea returned. After an hour and a half of not doing anything, I decided I needed some sugar, or at least something to wake me up without making me feel more nauseous. Exit the coffee, enter the vanilla latté. There were no more croissants downstairs, so I settled for a low-fat muffin with dried fruit in it. It was deeelish!

And now, here I am. Not in the mood to do anything at all. That’s how it’s been all week. I’m really feeling down when I’m here, I wish it wasn’t like that. What the heck is wrong with moi. *sigh*

Hey this is pretty cool: today is 20-07-2007. Mahaha…