When you want so badly to just be there for the person when they are suffering. When all you want to do is hug them, be by their side, and tell them how much they mean to you. When your heart aches at the thought of them being in pain, any kind of pain.
That’s how you know you really love someone.
Je ressens de la nostalgie, et j’ai mal au coeur. J’sais pas.
C’est poche être une femme, des fois.
Et honnêtement, l’affection, ça me manque énormément. Quelle pénitence, le célibat.
Ces temps-ci, je veux…
Et je n’ai rien de tout ça. Mais j’essaie, toujours et sans cesse.
I’m in a miserable mood this week. The past 3 weeks have been wonderful, but this week I’m absolutely drained and miserable. And for once, none of it is because of a man. Not the happiness nor the misery. It’s a welcome change, to be honest.
Mostly, my concerns these days involve my career and money. It’s time for a change. Everything about this place bothers me: the people, the location, the fact that I have to drive 3 hours a day in total to work here, the horrible stench that circulates outside because of the nearby Kraft factory, the lack of windows and daylight, the awkwardness of my supervisor, the rudeness of the people in power, sitting down all day in front of a computer, the lack of creativity, the lack of sustainability, and so on & so forth. It never ends. Things just pile on. A main concern is my salary. With all the driving I’m doing, and the therapy, and the cell phone bill, and the social outings I desperately need in order to keep my sanity, my salary just doesn’t cut it anymore.
I’d rather work downtown, spend less money on gas, less time in traffic, and be closer to home.
Someone just mentioned Juliette et Chocolat to me. Instantly, my mind flashed to our first date. To you.
I’ve been good lately, but today is hard.
I miss you.
I should be happy for her… I should be ecstatic. After all these years of dating douche bags, she’s finally found someone who treats her well and is hopelessly devoted to her. And finally, he’s as attractive as she is. I should be jumping out of my fucking shoes with joy! She’s my best friend. I care for her well-being and happiness.
But all I want to do is cry when she talks about him. All I want to do is tell her “SHUT THE FUCK UP” because I can’t handle it. My heart hurts at the very thought of their relationship. Not even because she talks about him all the time, or shares really private details. None of that. She knows the wound is still fresh for me so she refrains as much as she can… She’s such a good friend. I wish I could express exultation at her situation.
Alas, I can’t… because I’m too depressed about my own.
Every time I hear or read of anything related to Australia and Vancouver, I just can’t feel the same joy that I once did. I actually feel sick to my stomach instead. Too much hurt associated to places that used to fascinate me. How cruel, right? 85% of my days, I am OK, sometimes good even. But the other 15% of the time, I am struggling through the ocean of memories, and my whole system takes a really bad beating.
But at least I am getting better, right? I don’t cry anymore, even though there are moments when the mood does strike. I just have to remind myself that I am the only one who really matters.
Mmm, 7 months from now, I’ll know for sure.
In the end, it’s every man fending for himself. I have to focus on myself, feeling good without needing anybody else. I have to make myself happy before anyone else can make me happy.
It still hurts to think of him; eating lunch with him on Saturday was the biggest of tortures yet the sweetest of reliefs. But every day is getting better. Eventually he’ll be out of my mind, or at least out of my heart. I’ll be good again.
Can’t wait.
I can’t deny my excitement for tomorrow any longer. I have no expectations, however. Being in his presence again will be enough to make me happy.
Yay! 
If you could only see the beast you’ve made of me
I held it in but now it seems you’ve set it running free
Screaming in the dark, I howl when we’re apart
Drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart
Yup yup yup.